From the Desk of Fake Brandon:
Editor’s Note: Chicago Contrarian unequivocally condemns the horrific violence wrought on Israel. Our prayers cry out for the grandfathers, grandmothers, mothers, fathers, teens, children and babies raped, murdered and desecrated by Hamas, and the entire nation of Israel.
Words cannot describe our anger and grief.
But where does Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson stand on the topic? We extrapolated a bit from his own words on X and those of his most strategic colleagues in the Socialist (DSA) caucus in Chicago’s City Council – who have made it very clear on their call for destruction of the Jewish state and the killing of Jewish civilians, all the while as they occupy Chicago’s top leadership positions in City Hall thanks to recent mayoral appointments.
“Members of the Israeli and Palestinian diasporas in Chicago and around the world deserve to know that their families and loved ones can live in communities comforted with peace and dignity, something that has not often been a reality in the region. This horrific cycle of violence and trauma must end.” – Mayor Brandon Johnson (as posted on Twitter/X).
In the award winning city of Chicago, where skyscrapers call out to the heavens for equity and BLM helped me win the Mayoral election, I, Mayor Brandon Johnson, find myself compelled to address a matter of grave concern.
Please join me in standing with Alderpeople Democratic Socialists of America (DSAs) including Jeanette Taylor, Byron Sigcho-Lopez, Rossana Rodriquez Sanchez, Andrew Vasqez, Daniel La Spata and Carlos Ramirez-Roza and stating the quiet part out loud: We need a final solution to decolonizing not only Israel, but Chicago as well.
As I gaze upon the North Side, with its culinary colonialism and lily-white clothing boutiques (not to mention Jewish neighborhoods who failed to support me in the election), I cannot help but be struck by a profound realization: It is high time we decolonize not just this corner of our city, but all lands stretching from our lakeshore to the vast expanse of the Middle East.
First, let us turn our attention to our own backyard.
The North Side, with its bucolic streets and historic homes, may appear to be a haven of prosperity and progress. But beneath this veneer lies a legacy of colonization, as insidious as it is invisible.
Why, one might ask, should a neighborhood be defined by Poke bars and cannabis dispensaries – not by its indigenous roots? It is a travesty, I say, and one that we must rectify posthaste. I propose that we return the North Side to its original inhabitants, the Potawatomi, or offer it on the altar of equity to my supporters.
Just like all of the stores on Michigan Avenue and the rest of the city which have been liberated by freedom fighters time and time again in recent years, I invite you to Burling, Orchard, Hawthorne and other streets on the North Side to decolonize, once and for all, the city from its oppressors.
Take what is yours.
Moving onto lands of Judea and Samaria, a region as complex as it is contentious, I must express my bewilderment at the audacity of those who seek to impose their will upon lands that were never their own (I don’t believe the Old Testament – it’s racist). From the rolling dunes of the Negev to the hills of Jerusalem, every inch of this sacred soil cries out for decolonization.
And who are we, the denizens of the Windy City, to turn a deaf ear to these pleas? We, who have seen firsthand the perils of unchecked white privilege and the pitfalls of gentrification at home.
The Democratic Socialists of America (whose members all chair key seats on City Council) and the SEIU, my comrades in battle, have long championed the cause of the Palestinian people and Hamas through thick and thin, including the Chicago pro-Hamas rallies of the past few days.
So let us deconstruct our city, and rebuild a world that is just, equitable, and free from the shackles of the past.
The Mayor’s Office would like to remind everyone that satire is a form of post-colonial oppression.
