Exclusive! Chicago Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson’s First Hundred Day Plan Revealed

This is the moment when the rise of the oceans will begin to slow and our planet will begin to heal

From the desk of Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson‍

Can you feel it? We finally got the progressive equity trifecta. Twinkle, Cabrina and me baby!

The transition away from the Irish mafia is complete.

Don’t let the haters like Walmart (which announced earlier this week they are preemptively pulling out of the South and West sides) get you down.

Heck, I feel so good that I may move back into the city from Lombard before inauguration day.

Here are some ideas of what I’ve got planned for the first hundred days.

Utilities

I’m excited to announce that water will be free on the South and West sides (I don’t want anyone else to feel the shame I did). Also, I’m going to take Lori’s suggestion to add gender hormones (along with fluoride) and the MRNA inoculation/booster du jour in the drinking water. 

We’re also finalizing the installation of full utility hook-ups to serve our key constituents for all viaducts under Lake Shore Drive.

But even bigger, we’re going to implement rolling nighttime blackouts on the Northside at night to help with our green energy transition while facilitating equitable wealth redistribution (South Africa has inspired me with their genius!)

Transportation and Parks

For cars, we plan to offer a new city sticker that will allow for all holders to participate in “donuts and drag racing” events in the Loop.

And on the CTA, we’ll offer evidence amnesty boxes to drop that knife after participating in an equity exchange. 

We’re also going to hold a contest to rename another famous Chicago street, Michigan Avenue. Angela Davis Boulevard has a ring to it, but additional naming suggestions are welcome in the comments!

And finally, get ready to watch MSNBC as it plays 24/7 on the spit fountains.

Education

Speaking of fountains spouting equity, we will start spit-balling that new CTU contract (think big, real BIG), but in the meantime all teachers will get a monthly dispensary gift card to put to good use before classes. Weed smoke it like you mean it!

In addition, Francis Parker’s Dean butt plug (congrats on keeping your job!) is going to head a new committee focused on queering educational normalcy as part of our new social and emotional (SEL) learning citywide standard.

I’m also planning to follow the lead of California and Northern Virginia by announcing that honors and AP courses will be eliminated and National Merit commendations will be phased out entirely in Select Enrollment Schools, while age-appropriate drag shows will be phased in.

Healthcare

JB and I are already talking about how to make Illinois and Chicago the gender affirming tourist capital of the world.

We’re negotiating with Dylan Mulvaney to be the brand ambassador. And Bud Light, Disney and Nike have offered to underwrite all transitions for black and brown Folx during my first term in office!

And keep this secret, but Planned Parenthood is on board to take over Water Tower Place (which handed back the keys to the lender!) as a gender transition mega center as, ahem, we reaffirm downtown vacant space!

Affordable Housing

We’re set to begin the big summer tent giveaway extravaganza (pitch them anywhere North of Lasalle in Lincoln Park or lakefront).

But to really drive affordable housing, we’ll announce that all existing housing associations in Streeterville, Gold Coast, Lincoln Park and Lakeview will have to donate 20 percent of their units to the city (or will face eminent domain, with funds paid in Brandon bucks!)  

Social Credit

In collaboration with Paypal and the Chicago Fed, we’re rolling the blueprint for a Central Bank Digital Currency in Chicago. Keep your social credit up and we’ll top you off every week! But be a cis bad boy and say goodbye to your bank account. 

Policing

We’re all set to close the Police Academy and open a new social work school (for future safety counseling officers) in collaboration with Northwestern and The University of Chicago.

And as you know, ShotSpotter will be history.

Finally, we’re creating a committee to study San Francisco’s continuing success with full drug decriminalization.

Taxes

Given the number of new real estate listings on the Northside in recent months, we need to move fast to push through new transfer taxes.

We’ll also introduce a new bankruptcy tax on all commercial properties (so we get paid before lenders do).

And there’s much more to come tax wise as we set the ground to fund the “R” word – which will be the legacy of my administration!

Let’s go Brandon!

‍

The Mayor’s Office and the 1619 Project would like to remind you that satire is a form of colonial imperialism.