Fake Brandon: Hey Chicago, February Is Throw the Jew Down the Well Month

Black History Month to take a back seat to Chi-town's contribution to the Final Solution

From the Desk of Fake Brandon Johnson:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have recently learned from my colleagues at the CTU and a tall migrant with a camera standing outside of the Standard Club, that although Chicago is a most glorious city, we have three problems: economic, social and Jew.

Upon discovering that there are over 300,000 Zionists in the greater Chicagoland area, I realized that we needed to take action, including stopping any more Jew eggs from hatching and making sure we provide gender affirming care for all Jew girls to prevent more eggs in the first place (more on this in a moment).

But the first mayoral action I am taking as part of Throw The Jew Down the Well month is agreeing to the CTU’s request that Black Lives Matter (BLM) be celebrated in CPS as part of our “Weeks of Action” taking place in the classroom February 12th to 16th.

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“BLM Week of Action” programming will include a reenactment of the famous airborne freedom fighters liberating farms and concert venues on October 7th from their Jewish oppressors.

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I learned today that Jussie Smollett has agreed to serve in a ceremonial role as “first paraglider” to land!

Good man!

As part of this initiative, I would also like to thank CPS Restorative Justice coordinators for offering to play the role of Hamas leadership, applying current classroom practice to the field.

However, we are still looking for volunteers for this event to serve as oppressors (i.e., Jews) while the oppressed rightfully achieve an equitable outcome.

We are timing the reenactment to celebrate the anniversary of Germany’s glorious efforts in February of 1941 when freedom fighters worked with Polish authorities to create one giant safe space in all of Warsaw free of Zionists.

If only Chicago could do the same!

As part of Throw the Jew Down the Well month, the CTU and CPS are organizing student protests, including giving attendees extra credit for walking out of class to support BLM and Hamas freedom fighters in their attempt to end Zionism.

To protect these protestors from Jews, Kim Foxx is handing out gypsy tears to all participants!

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But I can’t rely on CPS and the CTU to steal the show entirely.

To show my enthusiasm for this equitable initiative, I recently cast the tie breaking vote in Chicago city council to support an end to the oppression of our Hamas brothers and sisters.

This includes calling for a full ceasefire and cessation of all hostilities (just as I’ve done so successfully in Chicago already!)

Finally, throw the Jew Down the Well month will conclude in a few weeks when we hold the ceremonial running of the Jews on Michigan Avenue, inspired by similar annual events in Kazakhstan.

The purpose of this capstone activity is to make sure Jewish eggs do not hatch on Chicago’s streets.

To this end, the reward for smashing an egg is a year of free gender hormones or a breast removing “top surgery” (bang, bang, slice, slice!!) courtesy of the Pritzker family and CPS.

Only when every last Chicago Jew egg is destroyed and every self-loathing progressive Jewish teenage girl (pronouns: she/hers or they/them) loses her ability to reproduce through most glorious gender transition can we truly celebrate having achieved the Final Solution to make Chicago very nice again.

In this regard, I’d like to make a special shout out to all the yuchnas* at Bernard Zell Anshe Emet Day School for doing your part to permanently stop Jew egg laying!

Your partnership is allyship.

But back to the plan to clean up Chicago. It will be an official celebration of Great Success when Chicago is 100 percent Jew free.

On this day, I’ll pass out Xannies to all (I may have a source) and invite Pamela Anderson to make special appearance in our great city as we all sing:

"Throw the Jew down the well,

So my Chicago can be free,

you must grab him by the horns,

then we have a big party."

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The soul of Chicago is in all of us my friend, even Chicago Contrarian readers, you vanilla faces!

Chicago Contrarian would like to remind everyone that satire is a form of Zionism and post-colonial oppression.

*Given that BZAED’s kids are being taught to pray to LGBTQIA+ icons rather than learn a few words of Yiddish these days, let us enlighten you.

“Yochna (Yiddish): A coarse, loud-mouthed, boorish woman. A fish wife. A classless broad prone to making scenes and embarrassing and/or annoying everyone within earshot.”

Have anyone in mind, Eagles? Wa wa wee wa!